June 23, 2003
It's a beautiful, sunny morning. Earlier, as I sat on the deck and looked up at the trees, I remembered being a toddler eating my breakfast outside. In that moment everything was beautiful. The food was tasty, the sun was warm, the air was scented, the birds were singing, the clothesline was full of bright colours swaying in the breeze. My mother was a beautiful vision moving gracefully through the scene.
At that moment there were no chores, no worries, no obligations, no pressures of any kind. There was nothing to do but take it all in. It felt good.
Life for me, however, was not always that good. In fact, for many of us, day-to-day existence as children was a painful challenge. In order to dull the pain, our systems had to dull and flatten all sensation. Enjoyment was eclipsed by the distance and numbness of neurosis. Life became "Yeah, whatever."
The problem with a neurotic block is that it will stay in place until we are in an environment in which we are loved and able to be totally who and what we are. Since present society doesn't often allow for that, the block stays and life remains flat long after the original pain is gone.
Where's the joy?
Life seems dull. Nothing looks good, nothing tastes good, nothing sounds good, nothing smells good, nothing feels good. We hate everything and everyone and we hate ourselves. We spend tons of money and time changing ourselves and our environment to get that good feeling. If we do get a taste of it, it soon goes away and we continue chasing.
A mountain of diamonds will look dull to a person with dark glasses on. For the most part, the problem is not the world, it's this flat, neurotic filter we are looking through.
Numbness and flatness is a lack of sensory variation - a lack of feeling. Feeling is the antidote for that. Primal work will help move feelings and expand our sensory window. If we can open up to feel the pains we have been avoiding, we will then be open to feel other things - including joy.
I also find it helpful to actively seek out and engage enjoyment. When we are feeling flat, we deal with the world from the perspective of a distant witness. We point at the sunset way over there in the distance and say "that sunset is beautiful." The fascinating thing is that the experience of the sunset isn't "way over there"! We are it! It is literally right in our eyes, in our brain, in our bodies. The colours we "see" are actually in us - a part of what we are. A sunset can be felt, not just "looked at" and commented on. Sensation has astonishing levels of depth and connectedness.
This can be explored and practiced. We don't need to wait for a session or the "right" time of day. At any given moment, we can remember to feel what is happening and take it in. If this brings up painful feelings, they can be felt as well.
Primal work does not have to be the chore so many people make it out to be. It can be an ongoing adventure in enjoyment.
That's it. I am turning off the computer and going to enjoy this gorgeous day!